Friday, January 08, 2010

Lost In Time

I'm on vacation. Holiday. Not working. I have time on my hands. Too much time.

I feel lost.

My days are not empty. I meet with a friend for lunch or a coffee. I read. I correspond with friends from afar through texts or email. I go for a run or a swim. I do. I act. Yet, my days are not full.

To be on vacation means not to work. Maybe I am so well trained by our capitalist system I intuitively understand time in a produce/consume paradigm. Unless I have 'worked', or unless I spent the money I have earned from working, unless I have actively contributed to the production and/or consumption of goods and/or services, I do not feel that the use of my time has been worthwhile. Maybe in our capitalist system we are taught without work, time has no value.

My psyche exists in a conflicted state: My time interacting with friends, reading, or maintaining physical fitness is worthwhile, but then why do I feel I am not making the most of my (free) time?

I am lost in time. How can I find myself?

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