Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The European Experience # 36

No matter where I go, it seems I find solace and salvation in art.

The European Experience # 35

Sometimes I don't eat so I can afford to go to the theatre: I feel it feeds me better.

The European Experience # 34

The GREATEST TRAGEDY that has occurred in Europe is not World War II, but the fact they do not yet have RENT: The Movie Musical, either in cinemas nor on DVD.

'' The Opposite of War isn't Peace, It's Creation!''

The Eurpean Experience # 33

We are saying goodbye. He invited me into his apartment for tea. This time he did not kiss me on each cheek like is the custom. Instead, he pulled me close and hugged me tightly. He lingered.

Could he feel the beating of my heart?

The European Experience # 33

'' Eastern European's are odd.''

'' Polish men have incredible bodies.''

'' Brazilians are hot lovers.''

'' The French are rude and cold.''

'' Canadians are nice.''

'' British people speak the best English.''

Everyone feels they are entitled to judge and generalize. Everyone feels they are entitled to reduce thousands and millions of people who share a nation into four or five word sentences that completely sum up every individual who belongs to that community.

Ethnography is universal.

Entitlement is universal.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

The European Experience # 32

'' My name is Kris. With a K, '' he yells to me over the loud music at the club. Kris with a K makes me smile. He is an Opera singer who grooves to Old Skool Green Day.
Every Friday afternoon at the Opera House, there is a '' tea dance ''. All the old timers get fancied up and come and dance the chacha or the Merange to a live band. There is an aged couple dancing together; the gentlemen is chacha-ing with a cane. Kris and I laugh at the beauty of the tea dance.
Kris has snuck us into the theatre to watch a rehearsal for the ballet. The beauty takes our breath away.
'' I will be good in this life to be reincarnated as a ballet dancer in the next, '' I said.
'' You want to live a life in pain, '' he replies.
'' Pain is part of what it is to be beautiful, '' I answer.
'' Dancers in rehearsal wear these tattered clothes only held together by mere threads. These strategically worn vestments frame their bodies so, in their minds, the dancers say to themselves ' I am wearing these god-forsaken rags and you still want me!' ,'' Kris tells me.
I agree. I know the pain of desire.
Pain is beautiful. Beauty is painful.
The dancers krush my heart with their beautiful movement that it causes such pain in my soul.
I have a krush on Kris with a K.
I want our hands to touch, our eyes to meet, our lips to curve into a smile.
My desire is painful.

The European Experience # 31

Life is like travelling in a foreign country: In order to get where you're going you have to follow the signs. At times it is difficult (if not impossible) to read and understand the signs, at times you'll find there are apparently no visible signs and you'll get lost, at times you need other people to tell you the way, but if you just keep going, moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other, you will get where you're going and learn about where you are and who you are on the way.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

The European Experience # 30

'' Paris is dead '', he says to me.

I think that this is odd, considering he is french.

Everyone wants to be somewhere else. No one wants the obligations of home.

Escape is universal.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

What I Know About Love.

Love is both a personal and shared experience. Love is a personal feeling that is the result of a relationship between two people. Love therefore is dependent, it exists within a person, and co-dependent, it is the product of a relationship between two people..

Love is more than a feeling.

Love seems to encompass all the emotional experiences of life: (un)happiness, (dis)satisfaction, anger, jealousy, fucking and fighting, loneliness and loss (when your lover is gone), it appeals to all the senses (your lovers voice, touch, taste, etc...)

Love is a feeling that is shared directly between two people. Two people can share happiness, but that feeling is the product not of the individuals involved, but from a common reaction to something outside of the individuals involved. No other emotion is identically shared between two people.

The scary thing about love is that it is dependent on someone else. Love is out of your control. Everyone is afraid of that which is beyond control.

In many ways love is like all other human emotions: Love is dependent on things outside of the self and in the world.

Most people fear love because they fear being hurt. Being hurt is inevitable: Embrace it.
Love is a just reward.

The European Experience # 29

My blog is becoming less and less about what is universal and more and more about me.

Where ever I go, there I will be.


The individual is universal.

The European Experience # 28

To be in love is not to be co-dependent.

Love is also a very selfish act. Love, like all feelings, is something that is personal. No one can feel what another feels and that is true with love.

Love is the product of a relationship. The cliche is true '' It takes two to tango''.

To reduce love the only co-dependent feeling is false. Anger, jealousy, happiness etc... all require a relationship between an individual and something in the world. Human beings do not just spontaneously feel - Emotion is inspired within us from the stuff of the real world. Love, though, is particular to a relationship between people.

Yes. I want to be in love. No. I do not need someone else to be happy. I am happy now.

I just want to feel that ineffable euphoria, that feeling that is mine and mine alone, that accompanies being in love.

I must think more on this topic.

The European Experience # 27

Yes. I have a lot of (too much?) sex.
I am chasing the dragon. Yes, sex does get me off and that feels good. But I am searching for that mind-blowing, passionate, sweaty, animal, tender, body shaking sex, lick me everywhere, kiss me softly, fuck me deeply, timed perfectly, multiple location, multiple position, hot, loud, caring, memorable, sex.

That kind of sex only comes when in love.

I want to be in love.

But not just for the sex, for all that other stuff too...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The European Experience # 26

'' You always have a lover waiting at home for you, '' the Slovakian says to me (the same boy who coined the term ' spicy ')

I don't have a lover waiting for me. Anywhere...

I just have fabulous friends who are willing to share their lives with me whenever I reach out to them. And I am making new friends everyday...

The European Experience # 25

'' Philosophy has no other aim that tailoring a tight jacket to fit what exists - a mathematical straight jacket '' - Geoerge Batailles

I like this quote.

The European Experience # 24

You can't escape the world.

The World is universal.

The European Experience # 23

They sit in tall grass in the park. They nuzzle; he kisses her neck and she coos with delight. They look into each others eyes on a warm Wednesday afternoon in the park. They are in love.

Romance in universal.

The European Experience # 22

It is a coincidence. Or maybe not... The World is small.

The asshole who left me with a pen in my hand and no phone number is at the bar. For whatever reason, he feels compelled to talk to me again.

'' That boy is spicy '', he tells me randomly during our conversation. He is pointing to a blonde shirtless Adonis youth. The boy has that rare quality to be both beautiful, desireable, and erotic all at once.

'' Yes. '' I agree out loud. ''Spicy'' means hot I think to myself.

Miscommunication is universal.

The European Experience # 21

'' My best friend and I have the same voice teacherf, except my best friend has had five lessons in the past month and my voice teacher won't return my texts or calls. So if I go to this good bye dinner, I refuse to sit next to my voice teacher or I will leave.''

'' Oh '', is all I can muster for a reply.

Drama is universal.

The European Experience # 20

Where ever I go...

I am universal.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The European Experience # 19

He tells me I am too ''spicy''. He asks if he can give me his number. I go to grab a pen.
When I return he is gone...


She writes ''Your universal theme is universal''(or something like that)


I smile at him. I have no intentions of going home with him, talking to him, or even getting to know him on any level.


Assholes are universal.

The European Experience # 18

I Am Just Someone Looking For Love.
I maintain we are all just people looking for love.
That's what I see, everywhere... People looking for love. Whether they know it or not.
Unlike some people in this world, I acknowledge and accept that it is love that I am looking for.
I Am Just Someone Looking For Love.

Love is Universal.

The European Experience # 17

It is odd to be somewhere for no particular reason at all.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The European Experience # 16

It is called 'Red Velvet'. It is the most delicious cupcake I have ever had in my life.

(The bed is hard. He uses too much teeth and not enough lube. He looked better with his clothes on. I am tired and this is boring. and not pleasureable. He has a small penis. He has one of those awful 'sex faces'. I keep thinking 'When will this be over?' I wish I was eating another delicious cupcake.)

(Dis) satisfaction is universal.

The European Experience # 16

A sea of (mostly) gay men grooving and singing to 'What a Feeling!' (even if English isn't their first language, for most of them, grooving to pop music isn't their first language either)


La Fille Mal Gardee is a beautiful comic Ballet.


Dancing is universal.

The European Experience # 15

Who am I to say what is or what is not universal?

Here I am: I have travelled to a total of four different countries in my life.

Is that enough to make these grand statements?

All I know is that I won't stop searching...

Searching for answers to unknown questions is universal.

The European Experience # 14

I miss my friends. I miss the sun. I miss not feeling hungry. I miss Maurice.

Missing what is left behind is universal.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The European Experience # 13

'' You have everyone after you tonight'', he says to me before he gives me his phone number.


I smile at him. He is beautiful. Shoulder length rock star hair. Pretty Blue Eyes. Broad shoulders hidden under his tee shirt. He smiles back.
Next time I see him he is making out with someone else.


''Do you want to be a contestant of PORN IDOL?''


'' I want to fuck you.''


There are pornographic pictures in the free magazines here. Hot.


Desire is universal.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The European Experience # 12

I cry everytime I go to the theatre.
Even if I don't know what they're saying...
Not because the story strikes a cord in my heart, but for the sheer act of theatre.
Oh! The Theatrical Experience!

My love for the theatre is universal.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The European Experience # 11

Dan is on a rant: '' That's the government for you...''

Politics is universal.

The European Experience # 10

'' You don't have to tear down monuments to make way for the future,'' Dan tells me.

The Future is universal.

The European Experience # 9

A Nation lives in the homes of a Nation. Not is hotels or hostels, or museums or monuments, or in cafes or clubs, but in the places where it's people live.

Home is universal.

The European Experience # 8

This place, like every place, is not what it once was.

There is a common cry for a better time.

The Past is universal.

The European Experience # 7

Their names are Dan and Dushan. They were not born here but have been here for over eight years. Dan is from Romania and Dushan is from Yugoslavia. Dan is a nurse and Dushan is a stylist. I went to their place last night to watch the football match (Arsenal lost to Barcelona). Dan showed me around town today.

Dan and Dushan are my friends.

Friendship is universal.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The European Experience #6

His name is Austin. He is not from here, but from Krakow Poland. He has one of the best (if not the best) body of a man I have ever been with.

Sex is universal.

Be it where I am, where I came from, or apparently, even in Poland.

P.S. I found the number sign.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The European Experience 5

The Opera singer sang in the public square.

Art is universal.

(even if it is an Italian aria).

Tonight I go to the theatre. I hope I can understand what they're saying.

(P.S. I can't find the number sign on this keyboard)

Monday, May 15, 2006

The European Experience #4

"It's not to make you happier, it's just to make you... more," she tells me.

Faith will get me through.

The European Experience #3

I am scared.

There is no reason for me to go.

Look at all I have right here.

I couldn't be happier?

Could I?

I guess thats the question...

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The European Experience #2

I am going to disappear into the world and not owe it anything, but have the world owe me everything in return.

The European Experience #1

"Don't go to find yourself. BAH! Go to loose yourself," the woman said to me.

This is the only advice I will take with me to Europe.

Love Defined (By Not Being Defined At All)

"I do."

These are the (in)famous words that formally seal two people into the contract of marriage. Considering these words out of the question that gives them context (Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife?), I believe I've found what I would consider the true nature of love.

Consider the (lengthy and involved) definition of "do":
do1 Audio pronunciation of "do" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d)
v. did, (dd) done, (dn) do·ing, does (dz)
v. tr.
    1. To perform or execute: do one's assigned task; do a series of business deals.
    2. To fulfill the requirements of: did my duty at all times.
    3. To carry out; commit: a crime that had been done on purpose.
    1. To produce, especially by creative effort: do a play on Broadway.
    2. To play the part or role of in a creative production: did Elizabeth I in the film.
    3. To mimic: “doing the Southern voice, improvising it inventively as he goes along” (William H. Pritchard).
    1. To bring about; effect: Crying won't do any good now.
    2. To render; give: do equal justice to the opposing sides; do honor to one's family.
  1. To put forth; exert: Do the best you can.
    1. To attend to in such a way as to take care of or put in order: did the bedrooms before the guests arrived.
    2. To prepare for further use especially by washing: did the dishes.
    1. To set or style (the hair).
    2. To apply cosmetics to: did her face.
  2. To have as an occupation or profession: Have you decided what you will do after college?
  3. To work out by studying: do a homework assignment.
  4. Used as a substitute for an antecedent verb: He can play the piano, and I can do that, too.
  5. Informal.
    1. To travel (a specified distance): do a mile in four minutes.
    2. To make a tour of; visit: “ [He] did 15 countries of Western Europe in only a few days” (R.W. Apple, Jr.).
    1. To be sufficient in meeting the needs of; serve: This room will do us very nicely.
    2. Informal. To serve (a prison term): did time in jail; did five years for tax fraud.
  6. Slang. To cheat; swindle: do a relative out of an inheritance.
  7. Slang. To take (drugs) illegally: “If you do drugs you are going to be in continual trouble” (Jimmy Breslin).
  8. Slang. To kill; murder.
  9. Vulgar Slang. To have sex with; bring to orgasm.

v. intr.
  1. To behave or conduct oneself; act: Do as I say and you won't get into trouble.
    1. To get along; fare: students who do well at school.
    2. To carry on; manage: I could do without your interference.
    3. To make good use of something because of need: I could do with a hot bath.
    1. To serve a specified purpose: This coat will do for another season.
    2. To be proper or fitting: Such behavior just won't do.
  2. To take place; happen: What's doing in London this time of year?
  3. Used as a substitute for an antecedent verb: worked as hard as everyone else did.
  4. Used after another verb for emphasis: Run quickly, do!

v. aux.
  1. Used with the infinitive without to in questions, negative statements, and inverted phrases: Do you understand? I did not sleep well. Little did we know what was in store for us.
  2. Used as a means of emphasis: I do want to be sure.
To "do" is the ultimate verb. To "do" is the ultimate word of action. It, in itself, implies action in the most varied and general form.

Combined with the self identifier "I", the phrase "I do" can be read as "The person who I am will perform/execute/fullfill the requirments of/committ/produce/play the part or role of/ bring about/render/ bring forth/ attend to/ prepare for/ to have sex with/ etc... in order to express my love for you, my spouse."

In these terms, marriage, as the sanctity that is a formal representation of the love between two people, is defined by action, not language. The words "I do" exist as an opened ended indicator of the potential and required action that is integral to the contract of marriage. The words "I do" imply a committment to action in order to express love.

If we consider marriage as the ultimate act that two people perform to express their love for each other, Love is not defined by merely telling someone "I love you", but is truly expressed through the words "I do", and these words only have meaning in the fact that they imply action. Following this argument, we can conclude that love is ultimately about action, and not about words.

For me personally, such an examination has led me to the following:

Love as a word is meaningless. Love as an action means so very very much.

Love can not be defined by other words. Love can only be defined by action.

All Things Go. All Things Go.

The Journalist. The Philosopher. The Lover. The Lawyer

The men of my life have gone. They are part of the past now.

An Era Has Ended.

I fell in love again. All Things Go. All Things Go.

Time to Move On.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Lone Ranger

8 pm: Every Now and Then: The Helix Project Dance Retrospective
10 pm: Ms. Wilson's Birthday Party
12 am: Buddies in Bad Times Dance Party
1:30 am: Big Primpin'

Tonight I was the LONE RANGER. I traversed from event to event like the social butterfly I am all on my own. I had no one to keep track of. I had no one to coordinate with. I had no one I was attached to. The night was young and the night was mine and mine alone. FREEDOM!

I barely had an good time for the five hours I was out being my social self.

Yes there are benefits to being a LONE RANGER. But all those benefits really don't add up to much when you don't have someone around you can share the good times with.

And my Freedom won't hold me as I fall asleep on Saturday night.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Looking Back Into A Blurry Mirror

Another school year ends, and for a student, the school year is the guiding temporal structure. So, with the school year ending, I look back on the past year to evaluate my time and experience.

There is one problem though...

As I consider my romantic/sex life over the past year, I can't seem to remember specific instances or even people. I have date many men and slept with even more this past year, more this year than I ever have before, but I can't seem to recall more than a quarter of my lover's names, faces, or even the experiences we share.

I am left wondering if these encounters had any meaning that impacted my life. If we as human beings remember the important and meaningful moments of our lives, does the fact that I seem to have forgotten most of the specifics of my romantic life over the past year mean that my collection of lovers and the experiences we shared do not have meaning?

I contend that our memories do record in the depths of our psyches the meaningful experiences of our lives. So therefore, I am forced to come to terms with my excessive romantic and sexual activity as ultimately unfulfilling, unsatisfying, and not meaningful events in my life.

So how do I proceed?

Less sex. Less dating. Less men.

I won't settle for a mere body just to help me get off.

I will settle for nothing less than butterflies.

I will trust my gut.

I will aim for love and settle for nothing less.

(Methinks this will be easier said than done...)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Will Has No Grace (But he's had my room mate)

"I think that Will, from Will and Grace, is very attractive"

"Oh yeah. Did I tell you that I kissed him and he munched [Mary's] box? He was staying at the Windsor Arms Hotel and I demanded that we get room service."

True Story

My room mates have fooled around with Eric McCormack. I always thought that they were the closest thing to gay men women could ever get. Sleeping with Television's favorite gay man, Will Truman, brings them even closer to be Female Fags.