Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I am even more fortunate and have been able to conclude (with as much certainty as anyone can conclude anything) that my career gives me a sense of purpose in this world. Many people are not as fortunate of finding a "purpose" as I have been, especially finding a purpose that conincides with ones career. I feel I should treasure my revelation and not abuse the impetus that gives direction to my life.
Yet, I also desire to travel and study abroad, which ulitmately have a minor, indirect influence upon my career/purpose. I fear that by doing so I will botch the career momentum I have acquired thus far, and be forced to start back at nothing upon my return from a year in Europe. But this maybe be the only time I am able to take advantage of the opportunity of studying abroad. I can come up with no logical or reasonable reason why I should go abroad other than the fact "I want to."
The fact that "I want to" should be sufficient to confirm my decision to study abroad, but in the face of such logical arguments that support career advancements, it seems impulsive, rash, and unappealing.
I conclude that purpose can limit freedom, but only if I let it. Maybe it is the idea of career that is limiting. Purpose is fulfilling, but restricting that purpose into a career is limiting. I am no longer autonomous. I must consider how I relate to a select group of others by the choices I make. These people could hire me someday...
If only I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Ignorance is bliss...
What to do? What to do?
Monday, September 19, 2005
Can you spare your lover's feelings by avoiding complete honesty?
(Can honesty be incomplete?)
Is it possible to spare the feelings of those we love?
If we avoid honesty, there is the risk of being found out. And if we are, the attempt to spare our lover's feelings has failed. We hurt our lover not only by being discovered to be dishonest, but the revelation that we attempted to hide from them to keep from hurting them will hurt them as well. But what if we do get away with our avoidance of honesty?
Sunday, September 18, 2005
There are many holy places in the world. I do not know all the places that for me are holy. I do not know of any "religious" reason why I would do anything. But I feel it is necessary for me to go on a pilgrimage of sorts.
I would suppose that the purpose of a pilgrimage is to attain either some sort of spiritual enlightenment or cleansing. Because I am not sure of any specific religious associations for myself, the purpose of a pilgrimage is elusive. Yet, the prospect of travelling to some place that I would deem "holy" upon visiting to attain some sort of spiritual cleansing or enlightenment seems necessary and therefore important.
In the past I have considered going to the theatre a sort of pilgrimage. A journey we take for spiritual purposes. I have taken many theatrical pilgrimages, but I think it is time for something more of the world itself, instead of artistic recreations.
The questions is:
Where to go?
I assert there is a natural occurring scent to effortlessness. If one does not put effort into attracting others, and is comfortable with this lack of effort, then their bodies naturally produce that specific pheromone that succeeds in bringing on some lovin'.
I have often headed out to the bar on a Saturday night, dressed my best, looking for love, but inevitably fail to find it. I have heard of similar complaints from both men and women alike. It always seems that as soon as you stop looking, and are not aware that you have actively stopped looking, love comes along.
Like today on the subway for instance. After spending a lazy low-key afternoon out with a friend, I was making my way to work. I had just thrown on a t-shirt and shorts when leaving the house. Sitting on the subway platform, a gentlemen walks by. I see him see me, but make nothing of it. The train arrives and I make my way on and find a seat and continue reading. Several stops later, someone drops a business card like a bookmark in the center of my book. I look up and see that same boy (who was attractive I confess) walking out the door of the train. I look at the card and low and behold it has a picture of him on it, along with his phone number and email address on oneside, and a note on the other. The note reads:
You're cute. We should go out for coffee.
No expectations - just good conversation.
I am extremely flattered, especially because this was all so unexpected. And that is the key. Expect nothing.
We have no control over our own pheromones nor the pheromones of others.
Let your body do it's work.
Let love happen on it's own
What is the other option? To stress out over it.
There are better things to do. And once you start doing them, love will follow it's nose.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Our current social paradigm has taught us that the next logical step of being in love is to proceed to create a life with that person that you love - you are expected to "settle down" once you've found your "true love". Youth in itself is the anti-thesis of "settling". Both in the sense of settling as a) to accept something though it may not be the ideal or b) to calm or quiet ones life - to stop moving. Youth implies the adventure of exploring the world and oneself. Someone who is young and in love finds themselves in an unavoidable paradox - to settle with/for your "true love" and to continue pursuing the adventure of life. The result of this paradox is many broken hearts, disappointments, and betrayals. I am young and acknowledge the perils of this paradox yet it is within me to pursue my "true love".
How can I resolve this paradox?
I propose that I can find true love.
True Love is the adventure of life that you share with another person.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Heaven" Matthew 19:24
"If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your love." The Barenaked Ladies
I want to win the lottery. I do not want to worry about money. I want freedom from financial constraints and limitations. But apparently, if my dreams come true, I won't be hanging out with J.C. or GOD after I am done with this world.
My lover told me that if I won millions he would not return from a year abroad to be with me and my wealth. What put me off by this rejection, is that I would never ask him to do so. He needs to live his life and he needs the freedom to so. No money will make me ever want to change that.
Some have asserted that "Money is evil". I can't agree. What money, or the lack their of, does to people can be evil. I am glad that, in theory, my lover and I are free from the temptation to think that money can solve all of life's problems. I believe it is a human need to want and desire love. Money can't buy you love. Money can't buy your way to heaven.
Money isn't evil, yet it still does not have a place in GOD's crib. Here is the loop hole: Spend your money. Use it to make art. Use it to buy art. Take your lover out for dinner. Give to a charity. Buy your mom a card to tell her how much you love her. Spend, spend, spend. So by the time you are on your death paid, you won't have a cent. Just hope that GOD accepts the wealth you acquire by enjoying the riches of the world he created for us.
Monday, September 12, 2005
I am addicted to the new Reality TV contest show "So You Think You Can Dance". One of the choreographers hired to set a dance on a pair of contestants remarked that "dancing is an extension of being human". After thoughtful consideration, I believe this to not only be true, but be an important sentiment for everyone who ever shook their booty for themselves and God in the comfort of their bedroom.
To be human requires a body. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and colours. All bodies have a unique physiology. I am neither a doctor nor a scientist, but I believe it is true that a body in stasis is not a healthy body. Be in through exercise or the rise and fall of the chest through breath, movement is a necessary requirement for life.
The requirement of movement for life, combined with an artistic and creative need for expression brings joy to my heart, not just as an audience, but as gay kid dancing at night clubs, a theatre performer, and even a guy who busts his groove in the comfort of his own home. I know people like me. I know there are those out in the world who know how I feel. We want to move. We need to dance. Movement is joyous. Dance is living.
Yes I think I can dance.
I know I can dance, because I am alive.
For all the people out there, that can't help but bob their head along with the music, no matter how you look or how you move, I think you can dance too.
I know you can dance.
Monday, September 05, 2005
(a Mustang Convertible) through wine country here
(The Niagara Region on Ontario)
The car was snazzy: soft top two door convertible with a feature that turned up the music the faster the car went. We travelled from vineyard to vineyard tasting wines (I feel I am somewhat of a expert after tasting so many different wines in such little time). After seeing a show at the world reknowned Shaw Festival, we drove into the tourist den of Niagara Falls to see if there would be any open rooms at an inn, hotel, or if tragedy was to befall us, even a motel. Lucky, one of the three attractive gentlemen on this sojourn ran into the chi chi Fallsview Casino and Hotel (here)
to see if they could provide us with accomodation. With his charm and good looks he secured us an eight hundred dollar suite for one hundred and fifty dollars. Before going to bed we indulged ourselves at the Casino and played the part of three stylish high rollers. We were Playboys of the Western World! Waking next morning, we realized that in the light of day, the view from our hotel looked right over to the mists of the Horseshoe Falls.
We continues with our carefree holiday and drove through the rolling vineyards tasting wine and being fabulous. Seeing what there is to be seen and being seen seeing it.
It was a weekend of excess. Money spent on frivolous things like gambling and an unnecessarily styish automobile (is anything unnecessarily stylish though). Music so loud we wanted the kids on the street dancing with us (Children like the song Hollaback Girl). An excessive amount of sipping wine that succeeded in making me inebriated (Even though it was a wine tasting tour, after awhile it all tasted the same). Even the Falls are excessively powerful and stunning.
It feels as if I had spent an excessive amount of time and energy on our bender. I am exhausted. I can’t remember what it is to live an ordinary day. Yet with all that I spent on this holiday (time, energy, money), I feel full and alive with an experience that I had only dreamed of before I left my ho-hum job at three o’clock on a Friday afternoon.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
My house guest shared a story of an evening at work at the Emergency room at the local hospital. "A young black man was shot in gang violence and was laying on an operating table dying," he says to me at breakfast. "He was wearing nice new Nike shoes and had his cell phone clipped to his belt. He looked like he was trying to look really good and he did. But none of that matters when you're dying.."
These are the stories that move me. Something profoundly human. Something about dying. Something about living. Anyone can go to Rome or Seoul, but few people watch a young man die while looking his best. Maybe these stories are the ones that especially move me because I wouldn't want to be in the position of my house guest. I can be privy to something I would never be in the position to, or would even want to, ever experience. Tell me a story. But if it is something I want to personally experience, tell me what you have to say, but I would rather experience it myself. If you want to move me by your words, tell me about a journey you've taken without even leaving the place you call home.
The New Orleans tragedy has inspired me. I want to go to California.
California lies on the San Andres Fault. It is only a matter of time until an earthquake shifts the fault and the entirety of the West Coast will be destoryed. Much like New Orleans, California, with the history of the film industry, the majesty of the Golden Gate Bridge, and beaches galore, will be gone. I want to see it while I can.
The Government of the United States spends billions on a potentail threat from Iraq while they spend very little on preventing very real threats from Mother Nature. Now, both New Orleans and Baghdad will never be the same. Things of history are lost forever. I hope that the President of the U.S acknowledges this crisison before it is too late for California.
I want to walk on the Walk of Fame before everything is washed away.