Thursday, March 30, 2006

Monday, March 27, 2006

Resolving Discrepancies

In one post, I boast about my most recent hot threesome. A post later, I am confessing my love for my long-distance long-term long-lost lover. Then I am back to dishing the deal on my latest late night lay.

Can such polygamy exist in a seemingly loving committed relationship?


We seem to be able to share ourselves emotionally, intellectually, and even spiritually with our close friends.

So why do we treat sharing ourselves sexually any differently?

Carrie Bradshaw (infamously) accuses herself of being "emotionally" slutty as she tried to woo Berger. She opens herself up too much and too quickly. I believe that we can be emotionally slutty (like Carrie suggests), intellectually slutty, and even spiritually slutty. Sex isn't just the only thing that we can share with too many people too often.

I am not suggesting cutting ourselves off from our close friends on a emotional, intellectual, or spiritual level, but instead I suggest opening ourselves to the possibility of sexual relationships with friends. Even within a relationship.

Why is it acceptable to get emotional, intellectual, and spiritual support from outside of a relationship, but taboo to get any sexual satisfaction?

I think it is time to think outside of the Christian-Marriage Paradigm box and acknowledge that sex shouldn't be any different from all the other parts of a healthy lifestyle. I advocate safe-sex like I advocate a glass of orange juice a day - both keep you healthy and out of the hospital. If we re-consider how we treat sex, we can re-consider how we approach relationships.

If we consider sexual satisfaction amongst the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual support we are getting from outside a monogamous relationship, then no relationship should feel like it's a trap or a cage. A relationship becomes the most intimate of all our friendships: The most committed, the most solid, the most stable, but no means something to tie someone down.

Even if personally, you don't feel that such promiscuous sex is something you are interested in, inside of relationship or not, I would suggest breaking the down the preconceived barriers of the typical (Christian) relationship. If you follow this old and tired model for love and frienship, you lack vision and creativity. Think about what you want from the people whom you share your life with. Negotiate.

And Get What You Want!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I Win Some and I Win Some and/or British Sex Doesn't Deserve A Bad Rap

You can't have them all. Last weekend, I left some poor bloke behind at the club by going home with the couple of the aforementioned threesome. We were making eyes earlier that night and he was definitely sexy. I only found out later from my house guests that he was British and interested in meeting me. Even knowing that, I can never turn down a hot threesome, so I probably would have still gone home with the couple. Alas! You can't have them all.

Unless you go back a week later...

Luke. Luke moved here two years ago from South London to be with his boyfriend at the time (who later dumped him). He is a program director for a group of radio stations here in Toronto. He has a nice townhouse just outside the village. Luke is "Mr. English".

Luke sounds very English. He has the quintessential accent. Luke calls underwear "pants". Luke doesn't "have" breakfast with friends, he"shares" breakfast with friends. Luke wakes up and says he has "A Bloody Splitting Headache". Luke drinks tea. Luke is the gay guy from Coronation Street. Luke is a British Fantasy come true.

There is so much more to sex than just bodies. When I consider what I look for in a lover, I often resort to physical characteristics. Luke didn't meet any of my physical requirements for a fantasy, but he still was a fantasy come true nonetheless (He was still hot, just not my usual Tall, Dark, and Handsome). There is no use having a check list for the required stats of a lover. If you just open your eyes, not to a body, but to a person. Dreams do come true.

and who knew! British sex is not as bad as they make it out to be.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Celebrating My Love Alone

It is his birthday, but he is away. So I celebrate his birth on my own.

It is always a defiant act to dine alone. The wait staff always seems surprised: amused. I stand tall as I walk to my table alone. There are never any tables for a single person, all tables have at least two chairs. The chair opposite where I sit is not empty. I fill that chair with the idea of my lover. I am not alone. I am celebrating his birthday with my love for him.

This is a ceremonious act. It has meaning outside function. I could have found someone to dine with, but that would defeat the purpose. It is a ritual for my lover and I to dine together on our birthdays. Just the two of us. I will not give up the ritual because he is not present. I will not give up the ritual as long as I love him.

I love him. So I sit. I dine. I enjoy my meal. My thoughts are of him, with him.

Happy Birthday My Love.

We will share our meals together, our moments together, our lives together, even if you can't fill the second seat at a table in a fine restaurant.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Inside Man

I maintain that the only people who really know what happens in a relationship are the two people involved. That being said, the best way to get a glimpse of the most intimate moments in a relationship is to spend the night with the couple in question.

Last night I had a threesome and got to see the private lives of two lovers.

It is impossible to understand how the two people interact sexually with each other when you are invited into their home for a threesome: You are there to add some new and exciting aspect to their sex life. What is revealing about being invited over to a threesome is to listen how they talk to each other at the most intimate moment of all - the moment when they just wake up.

" Do I have to come"
" No. But I would really like you to. It is important to me."
" I am so tired."
" So don't come."
" No, no. I should come. Ok."
" You don't have, but I would really like it."

Even writing it here seems to reduce it to something less personal and reveavling. Yet, it gives you an idea of how they function - it is the little things that make a relationship unique. It is these types of conversations that are at the heart of how two lovers interact.

"It's the little things you do together, do together, do together, that make perfect relationships.
It's the hobbies you persue together, looks you miscontrue together, neighbours that you screw together, that keep marriage intact."

I feel privileged to be privy to such private parts of personal lives. These moments are not the ones that make up Valentines Day, but these are the moments that lovers share for the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


It has to get better before it gets worse.

There has to be a problem before there can be a solution.

You've got to look at the world around you before you know where you want to go.


I want to disappear and have everyone wonder where I went.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


I think that society treats feeling low as a problem that requires a solution. Feeling bad sometimes is just as natural and as healthy as feeling good. There are plenty things in our lives to feel great about and plenty things in our lives that may make us feel sad. We can feel good about the thing we have and we can feel bad about the things we lack or have lost. Moving between these things is just a part of living.

So let me live. Let me feel low. It's ok

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." - unknown.

You Win Some, I Loose Some

I am a Loser.

I am Tired of Losing.

Nothing I put effort into seems to go my way.

Losing means not winning. It is not like my life is in anyway absolutely terrible or tragic. It merely means that I am never number one. It means that in our social world, no one chooses me first. But in our competitive world, being number two, (or three, or four,) is of little consequence. Being Anything but Number One Makes No One Great.

It is hard to negotiate self worth in a social and competitive world. I believe that I have so much to offer as an artist, as a human being, as a friend, as a lover, but all these things depend on a social context. I seem to consistently fail at being the number one in any of these situations. It is not enough to know that you have the capacity as a person and artist to be great, but you have to depend on others to see the same potential.

It never seems that the right people, or enough of the right people see and trust that potential in me.

I am a loser.

I am tired of losing.

But what else is there to do but put myself on the line again and again with the hopes of finally winning?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

No One is a Perfect Chemist

They are always there to remind me. Especially at the bar on a Friday night. There was Mr. Frost: He never called me back because he had issues with being fourteen years older than I. There was Sergio: I never called him back because Sergio loved Sergio too much that there wasn't room for me to love Sergio. There was Mr. D----: Whom, was decent in bed, but far too self-centered. There was the boy with the curly hair: I made out with him last time I was here, but we never hooked up after that passionate night on the dance floor. There was Mr. H----: I had slept with Mr. H---- but there existed a silent agreement between us that we were friends now and never to be lovers. There was The Grad Student: Though very attractive (now more than ever), I did not treat him as well as he deserved and now he has found someone whom will fulfill he relationship needs and requirements.
I do not take these failures to connect personally. Despite how I believe everyone truly wants everyone to love them, such a goal is unreasonable in reality. There is a lot to be said for the ineffable quality of "Chemistry": You've got it with some people while with others, you might as well be talking to a wall. This still provides little consolation when I am looking to be in LOVE AGAIN .
At the end of the day though, I shouldn't forget that I had sex with two different hot guys yesterday. It's not like I am without...

Friday, March 10, 2006

T Minus Till Good Times

I primped. I'm wearing my tightest jeans and most flattering shirt combo (layering is still in!). I fought with my hair and won. I'm moussed and plucked and styled and shaved and ironed and moisturized.

I am good to go.

Now I wait till my company arrives.

What will ensue? Drinking. Dancing. General Mischief. Yelling. Kissing. Grinding. SINGING. Fucking (if I'm lucky - No. If you're lucky).

Bring on the good times baby, cause if you don't I'm gonna come round and kick your ass and take 'em. (I ain't no Holla back girl)

Till then...

I wait.

T minus till Good Times.

There is Always An "I" in Identity

Identity is the product of present action not labels as expressed through language.
A label both avows and disavows an identity. For example, The statement "I am a man" is synonymous with "I am not a woman". Such a claim excludes the possibility of the experience of the identity it disavows. These statements are ultimately limiting and therefore not useful.
Other expressions of identity through language are equally problematic. For example, the statement "I am Canadian" is a current point of controversy. "I am Canadian" does not seem to imply a clear and defined state of identity. (Pardon the Pun). For example, "I am Margot's Son": This statement is vague and ambiguous. Who is Margot? What does it mean to be her son? Any attempt to express identity through language is either reductive, limiting, vague or ambiguous rendering any such exercise useless.
Labels are unnecessary in attempting to express identity. An individual's identity is ultimately far too diverse and fragmented to be able to be contained efficiently in language.
The inability to express identity through language does not mean there is no possible outlet for identity expression. Identity is inevitable. Idenity is a necessary product of existence. If one exists, one has an identity. How then can we use this premise in order to get a perspective on identity? If we also concede that action (human activity) is a necessary part of existence as well (if you exist you breathe, live, see, hear, think, etc...) there is a connection between identity and action through existence.
I suggest that identity is created and defined through action. Concern should not be paid to defining (or capturing) identity through labels or language, but should be paid to an analysis of action. Through examining what an individuals does, how they do it, and why they do it, an expression of identity that is neither reductive or limiting begins to form.
I believe it is part of the human condition to try to understand and control reality by containing it in language. These efforts are insufficient and inadequate when considering the problem of identity expression. We would be better off if we stopped attempting to "find" or "define" ourselves and start examining what we do and why and how we do it.
(I admit this is rather academic, but such style helped me negotiate my way through these thoughts.)

"How Do I Hate Thee"?

I teach at several elementary schools. This poem was posted, among others that are similar, on the hall wall at one the schools I teach at. I thought it was noteworthy.

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways
I hate you so much when I wake up I feel
Like hanging myself in the washroom
I'd rather jump off the C.N. Tower and break every bone
in my body than look at you
I hate you so much that I would like to a hire a hit man to kill me
because I would rather be dead than look at your donkey face
you dumb retard. I hate you so much when I look at you
I see a personal hell for you. I'm in my own
personal hell when I am in your presence. I loathe you so much
I hope you burn to ashes in a bottomless pit you mentally
challenged idiot.
By Jamal Mohammed
(Other noteworthy poems included images of kicking someone's head like a socceer ball and envying deaf and blind people because they avoid hearing or looking at the poem's audience)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Porno from the Past

I recently have aquired the pornography collection of a dead man. Rather incidently, a co-worker said a friend she knew who worked at a video store recently was bequeathed a collection of porno donated by the friends and family of a recently deceased neighbour. I, who will never pass up free porn, went to the aforementioned video store to take some advantage of some of this free erotic gold.
I feel that, by watching the dead man's pornography, I am getting a glimpse into a secret and private part of a man and his life. From such titles as "Slave Training" and "Time for Torment" and "Extreme Measures", the man's personal sexuality slowly reveals itself. It may not get me off, but the fact that I am able to see a part of a human being that no longer exists in our world, I feel I am able to look not only through time to the past, but beyond the grave to achieve an understanding of someone I had never known or met. They definitely didn't talk about his love for "Slave Training" in his eulogy at his funeral.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


Canada has long been searching for an identity: a unifying structure that encompasses it's vast geography. The diversity that seems to be the defining feature of Canada makes it difficult to establish any definite identity. If , in examination, we treat a nation the same as an individual , I argue there are many benefits to lacking a defined specific sense of identity.
As is often done when attempting to define a Canadian identity, I will revert to drawing attention to our Southern neighbour, the United States.
The United States has a clear and strong idenity: The Land of the Brave and Home of the Free. Yet, it seems that the U.S. is not popular on the international front. In their attempt (and success) to clearly establish a sense of "who they are", the United States has succeed in alienating the rest of the world. The U.S. is not aware of how the world relates to them or how they relate to the world.
Canada, on the other hand, seems to be viewed positively throughout the world. Many Canadian travellers will attest to how they are treated more than fairly when abroad. Between a large immigrant population, a multi-cultural policy mandate, and strong ties to peace keeping and diplomacy, Canada is viewed as a positive force throughout the world. (Note how any claims to an identity have a connection to the international stage, and not a specifically Canadian context.) Yet, we do not seem to be able to claim a unique identity on our home front.
I argue that it is a lack of identity, and an acceptance of plurality that allows the Canadian experience, either at home or abroad, to be positive, effectual, and rich. For example, the Canadian traveller whom is more likely to be welcomed abroad will have a richer experience in a different cultural setting than the American. By defying any singular unifying structure to base a unique identity upon, the Canadian experience, as one of multi-cultural diversity, is open to so much that exists in the world. By welcoming and celebrating the diversity of the world, Canada accepts the continually changing face of the nation and accepts change and growth. It seems that the cost of being able to access the diversity of the world, is upholding diversity in our own country, which makes it impossible to establish a clearly defined and unique Canadian identity.
If the individual gave up the modern quest to define and articulate a clear unique idea of self, the individual would then be open to more of what the world has to offer. If the individual, like Canada, welcomes and celebrates the diversity of the world, they would be able to live a positive, effectual, and rich existence. Both an individuals idea of self as well the any sense of a Canadian identiy should accept its plurality and temporal progression.
*(This is a rather meaty posts. I thought I would share it with you as a follow up to my previous post "Alienating Individuality". Once again, I admit that this is a project that continually remains in progress.)

Monday, March 06, 2006

I Wish I Were In Love Again

"It's not you. It's me."
These words, as lame as they are, often end relationships. In these situations, I think that who ever uses these words is figuring this out much too late. Relationships do not end because "It's not you. It's me", relationships to begin with are selfish endeavours.
I want to be in love again. Not because of "you", but because of "me". I want to feel the highs and the lows. I want to be filled with the glow of knowing someone out there wants me so bad. I want to feel wanted. I desire to feel desired. I want the pleasure of having sex consistently. I want to feel something that only being in love makes me feel.
Whoever my "Lover" may be, I want you to know that "It's not you. It's me." I am not doing this for you. I'm doing it for me. Of course you have to love me, but I am not concerned with how you feel beyond that, I just want you to provide the reason for me to feel the way I feel when I'm in love. Just don't be confused and think that who you are is of primary importance. It isn't. What is the most important thing in the relationship is me and how I feel. The end is what matters, not the means.

"The sleepless nights,the daily fights
the qick toboggan when you reach the heights
I miss the kisses and I miss the bites
I wish I were in love again!
The broken dates,the endless waits,
the lovely loving and the hateful hates,
the conversations with the flying plates
I wish I were in love again!
No more pain No more strain
Now I'm sane but ...
I would rather be gaga!
The pulled-out fur of cat and cur
the fine mismating of a him and her
I've learned my lesson,
but I wish I were in love again!"
(The attitude I espouse in this blog may be the reason why I am not in a relationship and may be the reason why all the previous love affairs I have had haven't lasted. I won't deny that at this point it I believe these thoughts to be true. Maybe I will learn otherwise, or may be relationships have always been built upon the mantra "It's not you. It's me.")

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Alienating Individuality

In our (Post) modern world, individuality and independence are highly prized. These goals are ultimately alienating. In out efforts to be an individual, we separate ourselves from those around us. If we are too close (emotionally or otherwise) to other people, we begin to loose our independence and with that we begin to loose that concept of authentic self. I believe that in an attempt to be a unique and distinct human being, we try to avoid being affected by those around us. We try to control how we grow and who we become. This autonomy comes at a cost: we loose the ability to understand humanity which ultimately affects our personal relationships. I believe that it is the greatest thing to be able to put yourself out there, connect with another human being, relinquish any idea of control you have on how you grow, and let the world and humanity reveal itself to you.
*Note: These thoughts are preliminary. There is much matter to them, that I hope to continue to work out...

Friday, March 03, 2006

Sore and Satisfied

My legs are sore from having sex last night.

The corporeal remnants of my personal past...
Good memories remain in my mind and body.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

All Things Go

The past year has been one of departures. Specifically, the important men in my life have been leaving me. The first was my boyfriend, whom, now in retrospect (such perception!), I am glad has gone and am eager to close that chapter of my life. The second was my ex-boyfriend, whom, despite how it would be in my best interest to let go of, will probably be a chapter in my life that never closes. The third is my good friend, whom, is someone who has a very positive influence on my life, and I am hoping that our chapter will never close. Those people absent or missing, those figures that are left behind, are arguably the most influential forces in psychoanalysis. Even if they are not present, they continue to affect me. Despite how I feel about these departing men, they have had definite influence on my life. And soon another man in my life will be leaving: Me! This summer, my own departure from my established life will, like any other experience, impact who I am and how I look at the world. All things go... All things go...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Undergraduate Condition

" I did surprisingly well. The T.A. even asked for a copy of my paper. The thing is, I made it all up. I did it the night before."
I did surprisingly worse than I expected. I spent the majority of the weekend working on the paper. I did not make any of it up.
This is the Undergraduate Condition.
It takes a while to learn the tricks of the academic trade.
Much can be learned from a musical about Twelve Year Old kids in a Spelling Bee:
"Life is Random and Unfair. Life is Pandemonium. That's the reason we despair. Life is Pandemonium - It is such a Calamity. Where should we begin? The best spellers don't necessarily win."

A Faggot's Frustration

When straight girls hold hands with cute stylish geeky college boys in romantic restaurants.

Wisdom From Lucia #2

"Young People want too much. They expect too much. If they could just be satisfied with what's already there, they would be happy."