Cactus Tree

Presently, I am dating many men.
My sexual/social adventures merely remind me of the fact that my true love has gone.
I have rewritten the lyrics to a song by Joni Mitchell.
The song is called Cactus Tree.

There’s the man who loves the animals
he loves the ones that fly
He watches him on the playground swing
all the while wondering why
Thinking he will soon going flying
away into the night
He clings to show emotion
He jests to hide his feelings
He stares at him for hours
and doesn’t watch the stars
upon the movie screen
While he’s so busy being free
There’s the man from Minnesota
whose lonely being here
He wants and needs some company
and someone close and dear
He wants to be in Canada
and tells him he is it
He is scared but yet he kisses
He calls him almost daily
He wants to start a new life
in a new place to love
and he chooses him
While he’s so busy being free
There’s the man from on the subway
he left his business card
He’s older and he’s tired
and he knows it isn’t hard
to find another lover
it is easy if you try
He is safe and he is sterile
He is patient but not stupid
He really wants to love him
but knows that he is young now
and will be for a while
that’s why he’s so busy being free
There’s the man from the parade days
There’s the pretty doctor too
There’s the one that is a virgin
he’s unsure on what to do
There’s the one he knows
from friends of friends
and many others too
He is busy with his art now
and will be so forever
Will he always be so lonely?
Or will someone someday ask him
for eternity
or will he be forever free
Could he ever answer yes?
Could he have just one?
Or will he roam and never settle
until his time is done
or is he merely waiting
for the one that is away
He wants him to come back soon
He misses him so much now
He’s given him all of his love
which is why his heart is hollow
like a Cactus Tree
and now he knows that he can’t be free
like a Cactus Tree

LOVE ME!

I just want someone to love me. That's not true. I want everyone to love me. And so I have been systemically become a serially dater. I put on my charming disposition and go out several times a week, with as many different men as I have time for, and woo them.
I am not a nice person. I have no intentions of commitment. I woo them until the point they show signs of affection. And then I encounter a problem: They are interested in something more serious, but now that they have proven to me that I am worth their care and interest, I just wish they would disappear and leave me to the other men who don't know they could love me yet.
I don't want to break things off. I don't want to tell them to go. I am not that kind of guy. I don't have the courage to be up front because I fear that if I do so they won't like me anymore. So here I am in dating limbo...
It is not that I conciously want to hurt anyone. If I could have the world love me and not committ to all of them but one, I would be content, but there is a cost to my vanity.
I am vain. I am insecure. I am fragile.
Here I am:
I am dating everyone.
I am committed to know one.
I am not satisfied (nor are any of the men in my life).

I have come to terms with this and it time I move on.
I must have the courage to do what is right.
Please help me!
I need your support. I need your love...
Love me...

The Guilt of Poverty

I live the poor student life. I live pay to cheque and am frequently calling my parents for money. Needless to say, I rarely buy anything for myself outside of the realm of food (I rarely even buy clothes for myself and find most of my furniture on the street)

Here I am: I have just paid my tuition, some credit card debt, and will be receiving monthly rent aid all from student loans. I have an ample sum of cash left over to do with as I please.

What to do... What to do...?

This becomes a problem. Having grown accustomed to my poor student life (this is the first time I have had any left over cash after paying my tuition), and growing up in a lower middle class home, I have never spent more than fifty dollars on myself at any one given time. My cell phone I received for free when I signed a contract, my CD player (which I have applied tape to hold it together) was a Christmas gift, and I got my T.V. and VCR (which I rarely use) for my Birthday. I am, for once, actually in a position to buy myself something beyond my life's basic necessity.

Here I am: Feeling guilty about spending any of this money on myself.

I can afford to purchase a MP3 Player for myself. I am definately in need as my Discman is on it's last legs. But then that money would be gone, and I wouldn't be able to use it to purchase a plethora of other items that I would like to own. I could go to New York City, but then I probably couldn't afford an MP3 Player. I could buy clothes, but then I wouldn't have any money to use to go out and show off my threads on a Saturday night. I could give it to charity, but then I would be in need of that charity's help as soon as I made my donation.

I could save it, but then I would just be putting off this conundrum for another date in the future.

All of these thoughts, all of these choices, all of these options just leave me stressed. There is a responsibility implicit having money. I have the power to do some much. Money equals power and all power has responsibility closely attached. Sometimes I wish I never had this responsibility in the first place, but then Iwould never have an MP3 player.

Here I am: With money to spend and guilt that led me to my computer to write this and avoid spending it.

What to do... What to do...?

Is the only answer to make more money?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving: I give thanks for all I have. I am fortunate to be able to live in a vibrant, exciting, culturall diverse city, go to a challenging, reputable school, and have loving friends and family.

This Thanksgiving evening, my friends and family are elsewhere. I sit here, alone, in front of my computer in an empty apartment. There is no sound other than that of a passing street cars and the click of the keyboard as I type.
I give thanks for this solitude.

In my solitude, I am not distracted by the fragments of my existence, but I am able to take the time to search my mind and soul and consider my life as a whole. Complete. I can concentrate on my school work and acknowledge how fortunate I am to be passionate about what I am learning and appreciate how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to study at such a great school. I am able to remember the love of my family out West and the Thanksgiving Dinners I had growing up. I think of my family here, my roomates, and the silence that is representative of their absense. They will be home again.

This solitude is only temporary. I am able to be thankful for that too...

I think that only when everything is taken away can you really see it for what it is. It is times like this, times of solitude and reflection, that I am able to see my life for what it is.
It is times like this that I can truly be thankful for what I have.

I give Thanks.