He tells me I am "attractive in that unassuming way." What exactly does that mean? The first thought that comes to mind is that I would rather have people assume that I am attractive, rather than unassume I am. Phrasing this jargon of beauty in it's opposite still leaves me unsure of what exactly it means. I am left feeling like what was intended to be a compliment has subtly exposed a complicated judgement of my physical appearance. Added to what has inadvertently become a complicated instance of superficial judgement is the fact that the one man who has expressed this opinion is my lover. Five words have opened up Pandoras box of the discourse of beauty.
I suppose that being "attractive in that unassuming way" can be read as "You aren't ever going to be a model, but that doesn't mean you're ugly." Or even, if I was feeling more positive than I am, it can be read as "You aren't ever going to be a model, but I still find you hot." If that is the case then, why can't I be a model? Why can't I be 'model hot'? If my lover still finds me 'hot", then why wouldn't he concede that I could be a model. Are we so influenced by the media that we on one hand buy into their model of beauty (represented in their beautiful models), and on the other hand, have an opinion of beauty that is constructed by our autonomous ideals of tastes and desires?
I believe that we are socialized to divide our objects of desire into those who would have social currency in beauty, and those who we believe we are one of few people who find beautiful. If this is indeed the case, then how am I supposed to feel about being a member of the latter group? Furthermore, how am I suppose to feel about the fact that, though my lover does find me attractive, he apparently believes (or assumes) that I am not am object of desire for many others. Maybe that is where this phrasology originates: somone people are attractive enough that it is assumed that the general population would also find them attractive. But according to my lover, I am not one of those people.
Through all this rhetoric that does not seem to point to any conclusion but instead merely opening up a discourse about the socio-cultural construction of beauty, I will end with three concessions:
I wish I felt attractive (I don't at present because I am sick. I think I usually do though)
I want to be beautiful/physically attractive/hot/model hot/sexy/cute/handsome/etc...
I do not want to be "attractive in that unassuming way": Rather, I would like to be "attractive in that assuming way".
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5 comments:
maybe he means you don't act or put on attractiveness??? i don't know. but i do know exactly how you feel. i've been under similar scrutiny before. i don't know why some people can't just be confident enough in their own tastes to say "you are attractive because i find you attractive" that's really all there is, isn't there?
A few years ago I was having involved in a conversation with someone in our school cafeteria and I said this:
"There are people whom I find attractive that I'm not attracted to and then there are people that aren't necessarily attractive that I am attracted to."
Someone overheard this and announced that she loved this concept. It was as if I had changed her life with that statement. Kind of like "He's just not that into" did for Miranda.
I meant those words and I stick to them. Personally, I would rather have people be attracted to me than find me attractive, but maybe that's just the character actor in me.
My most 'socially attractive' ex was also the one I never grew terribly attracted to. Does anyone really fall in love with those 'model' types? I'd rather be loved than simply admired. But yes, some ways of expressing that are better than others, especially in a relationship.
"There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion." -- Francis Bacon
(I've always understood 'unassuming' to be somewhat synonymous with 'modest' or 'humble' . . . which is a nice thing)
I'm with Skinny, I'd rather have someone attracted to me. My old roommate used to ask "how do I look?" and I would say "I think you look great" and she would say "but how do I look?!" because she didn't care about my opinion. And when I asked her, she would tell me what message I give out with what I look like and I would ask "but what do you think?!" because I wanted her opinion because she was the one I'd be spending the night with. Know what I mean?
But I totally know what you're thinking and it gets annoying. Don't you wish things were different? like that every model looked COMPLETELY unique so there would be a model for all types?
Maybe he means you have a rare beauty.
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