Maybe it's because I didn't have coffee yet today... Maybe it's because I didn't have sex last night... Maybe it's because I didn't shower till noon... Maybe it's because I lack vitamin D because there is less hours of sunlight during the months of January and February... Maybe it's because I lack vitamins I am not even aware I am lacking... Maybe it's because when I look at you I feel compelled to find joy by holding your hand... Maybe it's because its cold out... Maybe it's because I haven't talked to my mother in over a week... Maybe it's because I'm poor... Maybe it's because it is a month since Christmas (which means another eleven months to do)... Maybe it's because deep down I really don't like Christmas... Maybe it's because I find most men I see today very attractive... Maybe it's because I'm stressed... Maybe it's because I have no reason to be stressed... Maybe it's because I'm tired... Maybe it's because I sleep too much... Maybe there's no reason to feel this way... Maybe there are too many reasons to feel this way...
There is no word for the nothing I feel. Indifference is inadequate. Blase is too descriptive. I can not think of any representation form in language to tell you how I feel.
Maybe that's the problem to begin with...
In an effort to get to understand this despair (even that word is misleading - I am not sad per se, but not happy neither), I fear the untold secrets of my subconscious. There are infinite possibilities that determine how and why I feel and think the way I do: The mingling of the psychological, biological, sexual, and social are too complex to de-code. Discovering how and why I feel and think the way I do may not provide the solution, but rather, add to the problem. What if the secrets of my subconscious reveal a shallow, insecure, petty self?
What if, the catalyst for my thoughts and feelings, my entire being, is less than admirable?
I fear self-understanding. My subconscious is a black mysterious place without limits or boundaries. If I dare venture into this unknown, I would feel so lost and alone.
But I do feel lost and alone... I fear the extremities of being lost and alone. Who knows what depths of loneliness are hidden in my subconscious?
So, where does this rumination leave me?
In the dark...
I'm scared of the dark.
But I can't help thinking that I'd be happier with the light on.
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4 comments:
It's definitely winter. Let's get on some meds.
I want to go to a place with more sunlight and more warmlight and more outside and less inside. But then, I like vanity.
are you my ex boyfriend? seriously....
did you know that monday was "blue monday"? the most depressing day of the year? the day people committ suicide? the day we pay attention to our unrealized goals and our lack of motivation to achieve them? did you know this?
well... now you do. and you made it. all uphill from here.
ps. never skip coffee.
Prozac time.
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