I want to go to Grad school. I really do.
The worst is to have only one chance left.
So I got into the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University. Sounds good? No. Not that good. I got in. They "recommend" me to pursue a Masters of Fine Arts at their institution. But I can't afford to go.
The worst is to get in and not be able to afford to go.
The worst is to doubt your achievement because they can't provide funding, like universities do for other programs.
I got rejected. A lot. From Standford, Duke, Berkeley, Brown, and Northwestern. Rejection is never easy. Another university says that my application is not complete. Not the same as the other rejections, but still a rejection. So only one chance left. That's the worst. Especially when the other option is just not possible. To be accepted but not be able to enroll. That's the worst.
The worst is to know that an eager audience will find satisfaction in my failure.
The worst is to fail in public.
You will say that it is fate I am forced to stay in Toronto (I don't know if I can afford to be here even). You will say that it was just bad luck and I should try again next year. You will shower me with flattery to brighten my spirits. Your words do not change the fact I fail.
The worst is to feel, in the depths of who you are, that you will not be able to endure this failure.
So I wait. With only the smallest glimmer of foolish hope for that one chance left. Waiting for the predicted final failure. A failure that stings like the cruelest of tragic fates: Not a complete failure, I did get into NYU after all, but rather a failure at the mercy of circumstance of my life and my condition; not merely a failure of lack lustre grades, test scores, recommendation letters and other application materials, but a failure born of my poverty as well as my academics and intellectual achievement. No matter what kind of failure it is, complete or partial (Can there really be a difference?), it is failure nonetheless.
My only salvation is the smallest glimmer of foolish hope.
The worst is being a fool.
The worst is failure.
2 comments:
You have not failed. You are not a failure. You are a gift.
I'll win the lotto and give you the money you need.
Or, you'll find another way to give your gift to the world.
You are successful. You are a success. You are a gift.
you're starting to sound like my ex. don't go there. you bought me dinner. i think that's awesome. take time to wallow, then snap out of it. you're better than all that.
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