* I wrote this months ago, before I began blogging. I would like to share it with you, despite how it may be out of date with my current situation. I think it still provokes interesting questions.
I am single again and free of the confines of monogamy. Indulging in my new found freedom, I consider the options before me: boyfriend, fuck buddy, summer fling, husband hunting, one night stand, or even to forget love and sex for awhile and be on my own.
With the wide range of choices available, I can’t seem to decide what I want. Do I want to pursue a committed relationship so soon? Then I wouldn’t be able to have the fun of making out on the dance floor with a nameless hottie. Should I find a fuck buddy to keep me sexually satisfied but free of emotional attachment? It seems that ever since coming out I just leap from man to man, so maybe it would be best to be on my own for a change. The amount of options disable me from making a decision. If I choose one option, then I am missing out on all the others.
Coming from the prairies, the plethora of choice the city offers is daunting. Both my brothers, who stayed in Saskatchewan, married before the age of twenty three. The dating scene seems simpler there. There are less options and so people are more open to find happiness with the lovers they can see a potential future with. In the prairies where everyone seems to know everyone, there isn’t the allure of "what’s behind door number three" to tempt potential lovers from running off.
It’s like television. People in the prairies don’t have cable and the people in the city have digital satellite. The people in the city channel surf, but it takes them so long to get through all the channels, that by the time they have scanned everything to offer, the new shows have started. While the people in the prairies take a couple seconds to go through the channels offered, make their choice, and enjoy the program. I am jealous of the simplicity the prairie life has to offer.
Either way, a choice must be made.
As I sit here and write this, the most available option is to find a man off the internet. I can test the pool of available lovers by scanning the profiles of the local chat room to help me decide what to do. My profile pic of me in sexy undies immediately brings the attention of many gentlemen. There is: 19, 5'10'’ 145lbs, Just checking things out. Or: 36, have cam, white top, 6', 185, looking for slim twinky bottoms. Or: hot masculine, muscled, versatile bottom downtown, 5'9'’ 160, 32w 42c, brown hair green eyes, looking for white/latin top. So depending if I choose to find a lover, fuck buddy, boyfriend etc... or not, there are a vast amount of men to choose from out there. Everywhere I turn, I am bombarded with the pressures of a multitude of choices.
I am tempted just to decide not to decide. That is, decide to be on my own instead of enduring the rigourous process of finding someone sexually, emotionally, and/or spiritually compatible. The confines of monogamy don’t seem so stifling from this perspective.
Then the thought occurs to me. I can decide not to be on my own and also not to go hunting for a new man in my life. Maybe it’s best to wait, and see what comes to me. I decide to take the Zen approach to finding love and happiness. And after all, how do you know what you want until you’ve had it?
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