Late Night Calls From A Friend?

"Hey. Did I wake you?", he asks.

It is two am. My ex-boyfriend is calling from Montreal.

"No. I was spending quality time with Harry."

"Harry?"

"Harry Potter and the elusive Half-Blood Prince."

"Oh", is all he is able to say.

I broke up with him a week and a half ago. He is spending a week touring Ottawa, Montreal, and New York with an old boyfriend he dated while studying abroad a year and a half ago. His apparent need to holiday with his European ex was one of many reasons I felt our relationship needed to end.

"How are you?", I ask.

"I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news I can't find someone who wants to touch my penis and the good news is I can't find someone to touch my penis."

It is Pride in Montreal. I can appreciate his desire to have some boy "touch his penis" during the most festive time of year for gay men.

" I don't feel attractive. I have tried everything to pick up, but no one is interested. Then I look at {European Ex} and notice that he's attractive and that boys are interested in touching his penis. And even though I could touch his penis, I don't want to. I want someone to want to touch my penis. And what's worse is that I am getting so upset over something as trivial as trying to find a random fuck in a random bar."

I can't deny that I am pleased that he has lost interest in the ex boyfriend. The same ex that was a point of contention between us in the last days of our relationship.

Yet, I find it odd, but comfortable that it was me he turned to to express his disappointment with himself and his gay lifestyle. It is unusual to call an exboyfriend about the woes of finding random sex.

"And all I could do was think of calling you. I miss you."

I can't deny that I am pleased that he misses me.

I can't deny that I am satisfied by the idea that he still loves me.

"I don't know what to do with my life. I need to move forward but I don't know how. And here I am getting upset by not being able to find someone to touch my penis. I just want someone to want my penis in their mouth. And then there's you. It scares me to think that you are greatest man that I will ever have in my life. I am not prepared for you to be the one. I will feel like I am missing out somehow. I wish I was there to hold you."

I can't deny that I am pleased by his rant.

We continue for an hour longer. He goes on about the existential crisis of being a young gay man: the desire to be desired but the acknowledgment of how superficial that desire is. It seems all very Oscar Wilde-esque to me. I offer as much support as I can. I, being a young gay man, have encountered this existential crisis as well. But, as we are both implicitly aware, all he is looking to do is rant, and so for the most part I just let him go on the rant.

We don't want to say goodbye. We like each other's company. I suppose he wants my company because he's still in love with me. I want his company because I want to be loved.

Finally we have exhausted the moment and say goodbye in soft hushed romantic tones.

I consider the events of the previous night while at work today. My ex decided that I was the person he would like rant to about the angst of being a young gay man. This is a common rant I hear from gay friends, not ex lovers.
Why should I, his ex lover, care that he isn't able to find a new lover?

I would have never thought it would turn out like this, but I believe that my ex and I are becoming friends.

I don't know if I am prepared for this.